*Last time I tried to post was in June I decided just to hit publish today 2 weeks before July ended*
The last I posted here as actually at the end of January when I was saying that it would be the end of this blog. I thought and wondered why would I even keep it. Yes I got a push and said ok why not. Paid for another year to keep this blog going.
Gonna be honest I have been writing this post since I renewed the blog but yet every time I sat down to write. I just felt like who really is listening to my babble and rambling on.
Today (this morning) I decided I will let my ramble be. This isn’t for the world really but for me isn’t it.
I guess it’s like they say once it’s out in the internet it’s out there forever. So be it.
Right now 2020 has been one year that has made us fall to our knees be it because you want to cover your head and just hide or because you want to pray or like me because of both.
Just peeking up to see is it OK now was this all a dream but each time you poke your head to see it seems like something worse was happening didn’t it.
At least living in New York that’s been the story. I don’t live in the city but not too far. Hearing of people who have passed not being able to be buried to have to be outside in body bags inside trucks in front of funeral homes not being able to have proper burals. WHAT?! The front line medical workers having to wear trash bags and pray they don’t get this Covid-19.
To being nervous to know your husband has to go to work and be so glad he is home early each day even though it means our income is NO where the same because he is basically the bread winner because I work at a gym and of course it’s closed.
Sure unemployment but still we grasp through it. Trying to make sure we protect our “bubble” which is our kids. Trying to make sure they are protected yet let them be kids. To allow them to express themselves and ask questions even if you don’t have the answer. Especially with their schooling their amazing teachers who out of thin air All you can do is say let’s pray an Our Father. Let us turn on the TV let us watch mass.. Seeing Jesus there so close yet felt so far. It felt at times as my arms at least were strectching out but couldn’t touch him so I would fall and Blessed Mother to tell her son to listen to me but I would hear in my heart He IS listening. He is there hold on to him fear is going to be present but remember REMEMBER each time you have fallen not knowing what would be next as you felt your world crumble and everyone around you seemed to just go on and laugh and be happy while you had to put on a mask and pretend while falling apart inside…. HE was there.. He has picked you up time and again… Did you forget? I’m guilty yes. Lord forgive me…
This time around I am not alone I am not the only one with all these feelings it’s actually EVERYONE (well mostly) so why do I feel as this is a time to try to reach out to him but they are putting him in a corner or is it me who is thinking that?
I go to bed and pray over my children. I pray am I doing enough? Am I doing enough as a wife as a daughter? I have all this doubt it is tiring but I keep going and give it up.. I look at my arm where I have Taitha Koum Oh man did I not know HOW much I would need to see it on a daily basis to think I got it as a simple remember NOW it’s an action I need to see each day to remind me I am a Daughter of a King and he is telling me GET UP LITTLE GIRL..
Hmm this post was just suppose to be a check in but here it is… My feelings cause these past 4 months have changed me. Have they changed you?